All the BeyHiiiive, if you hear meeee, help me sing it ouuuuuut! Is everybody still breathing? Chances are, you're actually reading this a few days AFTER the Friday, December 13, 2013 release of Beyonce's brand new self-titled ~visual album~ because you chose to siphon yourself off from humanity to devote your attention to watching all 17 videos in full, end-to-end, at least three times in a row. TBH, I would have done the same if this wasn't my job. But here we are, right??
If you know anything about Beyonce's track record with music videos (*achem* "Countdown," "Crazy In Love," "SINGLE LADIES"???), you know these have to be iconic and FULL of fashion. The videos Bey released via iTunes last night are no exception, so we've taken on the daunting task of breaking them down look by look. That's right, folks. 17 videos. Look. By. Look. Lord Bey-sus be with us. BUT, don't think for one second that we're giving it to you all at once. We want this to last as loooooong as possible, so we're parsing them out little by little.
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
First up is "Pretty Hurts," which is basically Beyonce's version of "Unpretty" for 2013 (and '14 and beyonced). It opens up with Short-Haired Beyonce, which is a visual reminder (apart from the fact that you're hearing new Bey music via a music video you just bought on iTunes in the middle of the night) that ish is very different this time around.
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
The video centers around a beauty pageant setting but leans more Drop Dead Gorgeous than "Toddler In Tiaras." (Though, unfortuantely, no one wears a Mount Rushmore headpiece in Bey's show.) Mrs. Carter-Knowles represents as Miss 3rd Ward, a nod to her H-Town upbringings, and is seen here in beige, pointy-cup lingerie and a tiara.
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
On her feet, she wears Gumball Poodle socks printed with the word "GANGSTA" over and over and over because why not?
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
For the talent portion, Beyonce sings (DUH) a cappella (*GASP* *dead*) wearing a white dress with strategic ruching, and off-the-shoulder neckline, and a bold star print. She accessorizes with matching dangly star earrings and a headband with wire bunny ears (which, OK, Bey we love you, but what is that about?).
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
There must be some weird symbolism with the rabbit thing that we're not picking up, though, because Bey wears a second pair (these are pink) with a gown embellished with sapphire mirror shards.
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
For the standardized swimsuit portion, Bey wears a yellow Norma Kamali one-piece like the rest of the contestants. Her hair is styled in a bouffant with a rolled bang. Very '50s, very reminiscent of "Why Don't You Love Me."
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
One of the most heart-breaking visuals of "Pretty Hurts" is watching Beyonce's waist be crudely measured by model Shaun Ross. Not just because a public measuring would be HORRIFYING, but also because we don't own that motocross-esque, script-printed OMO crop top and hot pants set (also by Norma Kamali).
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
Another heart-breaking visual? Watching Bey work out on a stationary bike in some sort of head-to-toe photo-print bodysuit and leggings set with a GIANT GOLD GIRDLE cinching her waist. Seriously, what is that??! Who has the audacity to do ANYTHING physical while wearing that thing??
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
Oh, and she did it in immaculate white creeper oxfords?! COME. ON.
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
Back at the pageant, we've transitioned to evening wear. Bey flaunts her décolletage in a shimmering low-cut and is joined on stage by the night's host: Harvey Keitel in a silver tuxedo jacket and black bow tie. Normal.
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
Then, it gets really real. Someone has taken eyeliner to Beyonce's face and is about to shear it off. Probably because she released an album and 17 music videos in one day and now no one has a chance at selling music the same way again. Bey, sleep with one eye open tonight, girl!
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
And keep those star-studded stilettos somewhere safe, too!
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
Bey endures some spray tanning for the stage. I've heard it helps your muscles look more defined, but is it worth inhaling that very specific self-tanner smell? I don't know...
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
A motif throughout Bey's visual album, trophies make a ton of appearances. Here, Beyonce wears a gem-encrusted bralet top with silver metallic waxed cut-off j'orts just before swinging one of her biggest statues at the entire shelf. Like a boss.
A still from Beyonce's "Pretty Hurts" music video.
Photo: Sony Records
Finally, "Pretty Hurts" Bey thinks, "who am I to be in the position to make me feel so damn unpretty?" (or something like that) and furiously rubs all her makeup off, revealing this. *twinkle twinkle*
+ WATCH CLIPS OF BEYONCE'S VISUAL ALBUM
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